Tom Cruise is: The Last Samurai. Oh yeah. The Last Samurai. Yep. The Last. Samurai. Tom Cruise.

Well, you know. Tom Cruise has been doing roles to combat that story that everybody tells about him. You know, we're not going to see 'ol Tom doing a 'What Women Want' kind of movie. Not that that's any loss or anything, I'm just saying we're not going to see him in pantyhose any time soon. Look, do I have to spell it out for you? Okay, I will.

Tom Cruise is gay. Yep, he's gay and his many high-profile relationships with famous women have been putons. He's just been using them as beards (yes beards, look at no. 3). He's as gay as an all-male Judy Garland musical.

Alternatively, Tom Cruise is not gay. His boyish good looks have inspired legions of hopeful gays to spread these rumors in the hope that they're true. Poor Tom has been the victim of the overactive imagination of people that should be trying to meet actual fags rather than making them out of innocent celebrities.

Well I can tell you exactly where I come down on this issue. Tom Cruise sucks. I don't give a rodent's ringpiece what flavor of genitals he prefers. He's a one trick pony, and that going from a boy to a man onscreen thing got old about two movies into his career.

See, all Tom movies follow basically the same pattern. An inexperienced youngster goes from a boy to a man by the use of his --blank--. You can fill in the blank with --Jet Plane--, --Race Car--, --Cocktail Abilities--, --Ability to Handle the Truth--, whatever. But this is where Tom has really screwed himself this time. You see in his quest to choose even manlier and manlier roles to divert people from thinking about his alleged queerness, he's stumbled onto the one that might just drive the point home (ahem). Because try this sentence: 'An inexperienced youngster goes from a boy to a man by the use of his --sword--'. Yeah, it doesn't get much gayer than that. Tom Cruise is: The Last Sword-Handling Guy.

See, no disrepect to traditional Japanese culture, but this ground has been covered already. Check it out, Taboo is an Oshima film that deals with homosexuality among the Samurai. Or they were the militia, I don't really understand enough about Japanese cultural history to tell you the difference, but I can tell you that it was probably one of the better films I've watched in the past year and it involved guys with Samurai swords who wanted to hold each other in their arms. And in that mature and thoughtful way that American films seem unable to grasp.

So, let's put aside the whole 'the only way we can see another culture is through a white hero's eyes' thing, because that's probably worth a book instead of a rant on my stupid little blog. Oh and let's not quibble over the fact that I haven't seen this film, don't plan to, and make no apologies for laughing at anybody who does. Let's just pause, breathe and ask ourselves if we really want to throw down ten bucks to participate in Tom Cruise's circus of denial and overcompensation.

Jeez, even Matrix 3 was better than that. But I can't review that, because I saw it.
  ¶ 10:12 PM