So, often people have asked me how to pickup girls. Okay, nobody has ever asked me, but I fantasize about people asking me. And sure, a while ago I woke up married, so it's not an issue for me, but I still have the skills. When I was single I had a few simple rules that I laid out for myself when I started dating that helped me a lot. Sure, I was only 15, but those rules got me at least a couple actual girlfriends that I went all the way with, so that's results. So for any of you who might be interested, I'm copying them verbatim here from the unopened box of ManJuice condoms that I carried around for 15 years.

1. Never let a girl know that you play Dungeons And Dragons.

Girls hate that. And if she asks, lie. If she says she saw you, say you have a nerdy twin brother that you beat up all the time. If she says she's never seen your twin brother in school, say that you beat him so bad he's in retard school. If she buys it, you're gold.

2. Tell her you write poetry.

This is pretty easy to do. If you don't write poetry, do so now. If you can't you can copy some from the library. But be careful to mix up the books. They get suspicious when the last line of every one of your poems is 'ee cummings', I know.

3. Tell her you don't date much because you had your heart broken before.

Experience is good. But not grabbing under Melissa Canvert's bra behind the gym building while cutting shop. That's pathetic to girls. Tell her your heart was broken in a summer romance a long way away. Like Canada, they always believe Canada.

4. Tell her you can get beer.

If you're going to lie about something like this, make sure it's a simple lie so that you can remember it easy. Like tell her that you've got a friend who goes to a different school who's uncle works for a company that makes beer labels and his wife left him for her tennis instructor who has a Porsche that has, I swear to god cable tv in it, and he's really depressed so he gives his son beer cupons that he shares with your friend, and beer cupons are like, only good in the next state over, but that's okay because your friends brother has a van that has bed in it which is really cool and he's totally down for road trips. That's easy.

5. MEGA, MEGA, MEGA IMPORTANT. Don't yak up on her.

Girls really never forgive you for that, which isn't fair because after saying you could get beer, you had to steal bottles out of the trash and fill them with ginger ale and vanilla extract, and that shit is fucking sick. Girls are like that.

6. Tell her you just want to be close to somebody.

It's true. But if anything else happens, bonus!

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So there you go, hope that helps, all my single guy friends. I'll try to get together my notes on how to be a famous rock star/space scientist for my next post.   ¶ 9:19 PM